once i finally got her to sleep i just started sobbing. i started thinking back on my entire day. the only time i was able to go to the bathroom, i held olive in my arms as landon kept turning on and off the water in the sink. i changed roughly 8-10 diapers. landon screamed at me literally anytime i ate (he thinks every piece of food in the house is his. he's been screaming at me about food since he was 6 months old. i can't believe i haven't developed a disorder in the past 2 years.). and i didn't have a drop of water until after the kids went to bed.
i was spent.
and sometimes this is all olive seems to do all. day. long.
believe it or not, this gets old. very old. and on those days the only time she finally DOES stop crying is when she's literally sucking the life out of me. not always eating...sometimes i'm just her human pacifier (my boobs will never be the same, may they rest in peace). and just when i think it's safe to look down at my sleeping baby, she's staring right back at me with the widest eyes i've ever seen. great.
sometimes i just want a moment to myself. alone. with no noise. who ever thought that would sound like a dream come true? silence. ahhh... i'm always amazed when i get in the car and cam's got sports radio blasting through the speakers. why? you have the chance to ride to and from school in silence and you don't? that's insane to me.
luckily, every once in a while olive flashes me a smile...
*lauren
lauren. you are amazing. we all have days like this. and weeks. and months. oh man, it's just being a mom sometimes. I have breakdowns too - and they are usually late at night. we need more sleep too. anyways, here is a good little pick-me-up. hang in there!
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Oh can I ever relate!! That sounds like me about every other day. Today was definitely one if those days for me too. I hate being a nasty cranky witch to my kids. But for goodness sake! Can't I lay on the couch without being body-slammed!?! Hang in there...we all are! :)
ReplyDeleteOh I'm so sorry. This is seriously me every day. Who knew being a mom was SO hard? Hang in there - you're doing a fabulous job. Eat some chocolate and enjoy survivor.
ReplyDeleteGo to the bathroom without them. Let them scream and lock the door. I often repeat the words to myself: I am allowed to go to the bathroom. The bathroom is my quiet place.
ReplyDelete:) Oh Lauren, sometimes we let ourselves feel guilty writing down feelings like that, but I read it and it makes me happy-we are moms! Some people say you should only remember the good times because before you know it they'll be grown and you'll miss their noise, blah blah. True, True. But I think it's important to remember those feelings and it has a strange way of making me love my kids more.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, silence, yes! Jack always has NPR, music, something and I think it's absurd. I went to Las Vegas without the 2 older boys a couple weeks ago. Jack asked if I wanted to take music. Nope. 2 hours down, complete silence the whole way and it was marvelous. Silence back. Amazing. :)
On my gosh! I almost had a break down just reading that post! Newborns can be SO hard! I always just tell myself that I will get my life back around 3 months, because before that I really don't have a life. But knowing there was a light at the end of the tunnel helped a lot.
ReplyDeleteDan used to let me get out of the house for an hour or so (when I wasn't nursing) and just be by myself. Those times were golden.
Good luck! You will make it through, I know you will ;) We all survive somehow.
I'm glad you let her live for another day. She is so freaking cute. But you are not encouraging me to get on the baby train any time soon.
ReplyDeleteoh my heck, these comments are AWESOME! "I am allowed to go to the bathroom. the bathroom is my quiet place" I LOVE it! I can't go pee without Dawson unrolling the whole roll of toilet paper. And I'm with Becky too... sayonora baby train, catch ya next time! (or the next, or the next) i like you. and i like your screaming baby and your smiling baby. wish we could be baby mama friends, i'll come hold that sweet baby SOMEtime!
ReplyDeleteI'm in the back yard hiding from Zoa as I write this. When I read it I was trying to hide from him at my desk as he played with his iPad in the living room. He found me and plopped his iPad on my lap and I literally wailed, "Noooooooo." And number two is due in less than a month, so then I will really get to sympathize. Alone time, quiet time and sleep are SO necessary for our sanity. I don't know how we as mothers all manage to survive the first years. Obviously, we are all saints!! Hang in there momma, you are not alone!
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